Sunday, September 20, 2015

{Psalm Twenty-Three}

Warning: This blog post is really honest and exactly what I am thinking…. 
A week filled with discouragement, feeling sick to my stomach, headaches, crabbiness, lost of joy and the feeling of wanting it all to go away, but just can’t seem to push it all aside no matter how much I give it to God. Surrender. Asking for joy. Trying to focus on the positive. Faking being okay. I am tired. I am tired of feeling this way. I want change, but it’s not coming. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am going to be honest: I have no idea what to do. I don’t know how to move pass where I am. I don’t know where I am suppose to be. I have spent hours praying. I have spent hours reading God’s word. But I feel like I am in a fog. I feel like I am struck and I just can’t get out. I feel so small. So indecisive and scared. I am scared of what’s to come. But my Savior has faithfully been showing me this week that His perfect love castes out all fear. 
I boldly prayed early this week that God would show me each day how much He loves me. How much His love covers me and fills me up. That I am completely His and that He is with me. He hasn’t promised that life would be easy, but He has promised that He will be with us and that ’s what I am clinging to these days when I just don’t know. He showed me in such amazing little ways throughout this week His love for me.
One way that He showed me was when I was talking to my parents. Let me stop for moment and tell you how amazing my parents are. They have been so supportive. a listening ear. encouragers. pray warriors. and have given such great wisdom from across the world. One night I was facetiming with them and my dad starting praying Psalm 23 over me. And tears immediately came to my eyes.  Let me explain that this a special passage for my dad and I. It’s a passage that my dad has prayed over  me too many times to count especially when I was little and went through a phrase of waking up with nightmares every night for a month. I am so thankful to my parents for always pointing me back to Christ in all situations. And the passage goes like this: 
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness 
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the 
valley of the shadow of death. 
I will fear no evil for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff, 
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me 
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
{Psalm Twenty-Three}
I have no idea what tomorrow will look like. I have no idea where I will be in a week or month or a year. I have no idea how I am going to move on. How I am going to be the teacher that my students need me to be. I have no idea how I am going to walk through this valley of death. Face my enemies. Face my fears. But I do know that I am not alone and that only one person can answer all these questions so I just have to keep walking with Him. He will restore my soul. Lead me in righteousness. Lay me down in green pastures. He will comfort me. Prepare me for my enemies. Anoint me. My cup will overflow again. And I will walk with goodness and mercy following me and dwell in the house of Lord. It may not be in the timing or way that I am imagining, but I surrendering that and laying my desires at the feet of Christ.  
And that’s all I have to say tonight. I am exhausted. My bed is calling my name again. Prayers are always appreciated! Thanks for listening (reading)! 
Love, Daniella

Sunday, September 6, 2015

The Storm Hit

The honeymoon phase that I was so afraid would end actually ended a little too soon at school. Emotionally. Physically. My heart. My soul. are still hurting. It has been one of the longest first two full weeks of school. I can’t believe the year is not over yet. Some of you have seen on Facebook the pled for prayer for the school that I teach at. Some of you know exactly what I am about to say. Some of you have faithfully been praying without details. Thank you!
About a little over a week ago my school administration announced that our school didn’t have enough students to make budget. We currently had too many teachers and not enough students so changes needed to be done in order for our school to stay open so four teachers were let go. I am going to be honest and say that lots of confusion and hurt followed and we are still working through the ray of emotions and consequence of the decision made. It’s hard to think that the four teachers leaving will no longer be physically here in our community. One is my roommate. Another is a husband to a lady who has loved me so well. The other is a sweet family who brings so much joy and another a teacher who has so much education knowledge.  My heart is so sadden. I am going to miss them terribly! I don’t want to go into anymore details of the specifics because I want to be respectful to all involved. I can just say it has been some very emotional and hard days. 
Emotionally and physically I am exhausted. My body has zapped all of it’s energy and started doing unpleasant things. My eyes find tears frequently and at random times. BUT spiritually God has held me. I can hope and I can trust that God is holding me close and that He is powerful in all situations. God has given me so much peace through His word and through listening to worship music filled with His truth. I have been on my knees in prayer constantly and soaking in His presence. Psalm 37 has been a passage that God has constantly lead me back to over and over again this past week: 
“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday.” 
{Psalm 37:3-6}
Something that God laid on my heart this summer was to be patience in His timing. To trust that His timing is always the best. Not mine timing, but His. As I have been reading and mediating on Psalm 37 I have been reminded again that God is in control and that His timing is always the best. I love that I can trust in this completely and whole heartily!  
I have no idea what the rest of the year is going to look like, but I do know that I can cling to God and believe with my whole heart in His truth:
“fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 
{Isaiah 41:10}
Never would I have imagined that any of this would have happened especially with all that has happened since first arriving in Korea. BUT I know that God is working through all things and that He is drawing me closer to Him through every valley and mountain.  As I wrote in a early post about my summer I was really praying about this school year and asking God for peace, but I was having a hard time feeling at peace about coming back. God did gave me peace about being the best teacher that I could be for my students filling me with peace to pour on them and that’s what I am now asking for strength to do because right now it takes all of me to do that.  I came back asking God to help me to finish well  here in Korea. I really have no idea what is going to happen in the next coming days or even this whole year, but I do know that I am taking each day at a time and focusing on the task that God has for me. I can and do trust  in Him completely. 
"God, create a clean heart for me and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do NOT banish me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore the joy of your salvation to me, and give me a willing spirit." 
{Psalm 51:10-12}

Your prayers and encouragement are greatly appreciated. Thank you so much to those of you who have encouraged me so much this past week as well as your prayers. I ask that you would continue. I don’t feel like the story is finished yet and it all needs to be covered in so much prayer. Thank you again! 

Love, Daniella