Warning: This blog post is really honest and exactly what I am thinking….
A week filled with discouragement, feeling sick to my stomach, headaches, crabbiness, lost of joy and the feeling of wanting it all to go away, but just can’t seem to push it all aside no matter how much I give it to God. Surrender. Asking for joy. Trying to focus on the positive. Faking being okay. I am tired. I am tired of feeling this way. I want change, but it’s not coming. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am going to be honest: I have no idea what to do. I don’t know how to move pass where I am. I don’t know where I am suppose to be. I have spent hours praying. I have spent hours reading God’s word. But I feel like I am in a fog. I feel like I am struck and I just can’t get out. I feel so small. So indecisive and scared. I am scared of what’s to come. But my Savior has faithfully been showing me this week that His perfect love castes out all fear.
I boldly prayed early this week that God would show me each day how much He loves me. How much His love covers me and fills me up. That I am completely His and that He is with me. He hasn’t promised that life would be easy, but He has promised that He will be with us and that ’s what I am clinging to these days when I just don’t know. He showed me in such amazing little ways throughout this week His love for me.
One way that He showed me was when I was talking to my parents. Let me stop for moment and tell you how amazing my parents are. They have been so supportive. a listening ear. encouragers. pray warriors. and have given such great wisdom from across the world. One night I was facetiming with them and my dad starting praying Psalm 23 over me. And tears immediately came to my eyes. Let me explain that this a special passage for my dad and I. It’s a passage that my dad has prayed over me too many times to count especially when I was little and went through a phrase of waking up with nightmares every night for a month. I am so thankful to my parents for always pointing me back to Christ in all situations. And the passage goes like this:
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death.
I will fear no evil for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
I have no idea what tomorrow will look like. I have no idea where I will be in a week or month or a year. I have no idea how I am going to move on. How I am going to be the teacher that my students need me to be. I have no idea how I am going to walk through this valley of death. Face my enemies. Face my fears. But I do know that I am not alone and that only one person can answer all these questions so I just have to keep walking with Him. He will restore my soul. Lead me in righteousness. Lay me down in green pastures. He will comfort me. Prepare me for my enemies. Anoint me. My cup will overflow again. And I will walk with goodness and mercy following me and dwell in the house of Lord. It may not be in the timing or way that I am imagining, but I surrendering that and laying my desires at the feet of Christ.
And that’s all I have to say tonight. I am exhausted. My bed is calling my name again. Prayers are always appreciated! Thanks for listening (reading)!